Was It Racist to Take Household Pictures at a Marriage ceremony With out Me and My Spouse?

My spouse and I attended my nephew’s marriage ceremony 18 months in the past. He and his spouse at the moment are anticipating a child, and I used to be trying ahead to assembly my latest relative. The issue: At their marriage ceremony, group photos of our prolonged household had been taken earlier than my spouse and I noticed it. Once we requested the photographer why we had been missed, he solely reiterated that photos had already been taken. My spouse, a girl of coloration, believes that racism would be the cause for our exclusion. She desires nothing to do with my nephew or his household once more. I perceive her emotions, however I’d prefer to restart these relationships. My spouse doesn’t need me to broach the topic. Ideas?

HUSBAND

Within the absence of significant context right here, I might in all probability defer to your spouse’s evaluation. (In all probability, she has extra expertise with racist episodes than you do.) On the identical time, I’m completely unpersuaded by your investigation. It appears you spoke to the unsuitable individual: a marriage photographer who had little incentive to assemble your whole household for group images.

In my expertise, the photographer (or a member of the marriage get together) makes an announcement about household images after the ceremony. Might you’ve missed it? Or does your spouse’s expertise with your loved ones make it appear doubtless that they might engineer her exclusion due to race? You present no again story, however your spouse could also be higher geared up to reply these questions.

What appears unjust to me, although, is your willingness to depend on a single dialog with a busy service supplier to find out the way forward for household relationships. I want you had spoken to your nephew 17 months in the past! Because you didn’t, one of the best you are able to do now could be ask your spouse to droop judgment if this was a novel expertise with your loved ones. If it wasn’t, I respect her resolution. After which the query turns into: Would you like an impartial relationship with these relations?

A Smorgasbord on Daddy’s Dime

My spouse and I deal with our youngsters and their spouses once we exit to dinner. We’re properly off in contrast with different members of the family. However one among our youngsters’s spouses all the time orders the most costly merchandise on the menu — and generally two objects, simply to attempt various things. (They don’t do this when they’re paying for themselves!) Ought to we ignore this, or is there a pleasant technique to communicate up? The very last thing we would like is to be petty when it’s not a monetary problem.

FATHER

Twice you say you may afford what your youngsters and their spouses order. However to be ok with treating them — which you allow unsaid — you need them to behave inside sure boundaries: They need to order modestly, and with out too many extras. Appears completely affordable to me.

The issue: You haven’t communicated these boundaries to them, probably since you suppose they’re apparent. Effectively, apparently they aren’t! So, select your personal journey: If you happen to like indulging your youngsters, do it. You’ll be able to afford to, proper? But when these meals irritate you, lay out some floor guidelines: “One meal to a buyer, please. And let’s order conservatively, OK?”

All This Story’s Lacking Is a Cosmo

I met a beautiful man at a buddy’s get together. He’s keen on entering into my line of labor, so I gave him my card. He referred to as the following day, and we agreed to fulfill for drinks. Earlier than we met, I requested my buddy if he was single: He’s not. At drinks, I answered his work questions, then he requested if he may communicate to me in confidence. I stated he may. He informed me that his spouse had requested him to think about an open relationship. He didn’t flat-out ask me to hook up, however it was clear that his curiosity in assembly wasn’t strictly skilled. I’m not keen on an open relationship. Would it not be unsuitable to inform our mutual buddy how this panned out?

P.

So, you need to know if it’s OK to dine out on a “Intercourse and the Metropolis”-type misadventure after promising a person (who didn’t proposition you) that he may communicate in confidence. I’m not being a goody-two-shoes after I let you know that protecting my phrase typically makes me really feel higher about myself than the fleeting thrill I get from gossiping. This episode has nothing to do along with your mutual buddy: Hold her out of it.

Not Each Marriage ceremony Wants a Gown

My homosexual son and his accomplice are getting married. They plan to put on themed outfits. I help their union and their selections. They establish as male and put on conventional male garb. However secretly, I’ve dreamed that one among them, ideally my son, would put on the normal white marriage ceremony robe that I wore. Its class contrasts sharply with their deliberate outfits. Ought to I share my need?

MOTHER

It’s possible you’ll be trolling me right here, however your query would strike me as homophobic even if you happen to weren’t: Why point out your son’s sexuality in any respect? Do you suppose it makes him extra more likely to put on a gown than a straight son? I might let all of your youngsters gown in peace for his or her weddings. Donate your robe to a clothes charity if you’d like it to be worn once more.

For assist along with your awkward state of affairs, ship a query to SocialQ@nytimes.com, Philip Galanes on Fb or @SocialQPhilip on X.