‘Fashionable Love Podcast’: A Politics Reporter Walks Right into a Singles Mixer

This transcript was created utilizing speech recognition software program. Whereas it has been reviewed by human transcribers, it could comprise errors. Please evaluation the episode audio earlier than quoting from this transcript and e-mail transcripts@nytimes.com with any questions.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
From “The New York Occasions,” I’m Anna Martin. That is “Fashionable Love.” And immediately, now we have a bit deal with for you. I’m right here with my colleague Astead Herndon. Hey, Astead.
Hey, Anna. Thanks for having me.
So, Astead, you’re a political reporter right here at “The Occasions.” And also you’re the host of “The Run-Up,” which is our weekly politics present. And also you’re right here since you lately went to a pace relationship occasion. Not for your self; for reporting functions. I wish to be very clear about that.
And, Astead, you went to this occasion to learn the way are single folks bringing politics into their seek for love, and do their political views affect who they resolve so far? I can not wait to speak to you immediately. However I obtained to ask first, as a political reporter, did you ever suppose you’d be on “Fashionable Love“?
No, [LAUGHING]: I’m a listener, a fan, however —
You don’t contemplate your self a contemporary lover?
No, I wouldn’t say that. I’m extra of a —
Outdated-school.
Outdated-school, yeah. I used to be going to say, what’s the alternative of contemporary and love? Old skool and — [LAUGHING]
Outdated-school hater.
Yeah, old-school hater, precisely. That’s extra my vibe. [LAUGHING]
Properly, welcome. We welcome that vibe on the present. So your beat is politics. Mine is love. However you simply made an episode lately that mixed the 2. So are you able to inform me about what you wished to research and the way your workforce went about it?
Yeah, I imply, a lot of our present is concentrated on themes of division and political polarization. One of many issues we wished to do was see how politics is enjoying out in folks’s day-to-day lives and their particular person selections that they’re making. And we thought that there’s nothing extra intimate and private than your selections of relationship and love and romance. And so we determined that we might really go to a pace relationship occasion out in Pennsylvania in a suburb proper outdoors of Philadelphia, and speak to individuals who had been there to search out love about how they view these problems with politics and relationship, and the way it performs out in their very own particular person romantic selections.
Why outdoors Philly? What was the selection there?
I imply, the TLDR is it’s simply the closest swing state. And we are able to additionally say that this can be a place the place they’re going to be bombarded with political adverts.
Yeah, so give me a way of how all this labored. What was it like strolling in there?
We obtained there early. We made certain we launched ourselves to folks earlier than the occasion formally began. So by the point they had been really ringing the bell and sitting down, principally everyone knew that there have been these two reporters right here and what we had been attempting to do.
There was a bodily bell that they rang?
Yeah, so I feel you had six or seven minutes for every particular person. The ladies stayed seated. And the lads rotated. And they might ring the bell, a bodily bell, when it was time to maneuver.
Like a musical chairs of males.
Sure.
I prefer it. OK, so now we’re really going to listen to this reporting you and your producer Elisa did, the folks you talked to, and your observations about what all of it meant. Let’s hear it.
Yeah, let’s hear it. [MUSIC PLAYING]
- astead herndon
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Lets go in?
- elisa gutierrez
-
Yeah, let’s go in. Yeah, now we have a half an hour.
After we walked in, we had been greeted by an enormous bunch of pink and purple coronary heart balloons. And a bucket of roses for $5 apiece was sitting on the counter.
- elisa gutierrez
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We’re right here for work. So keep on mission, Astead. Don’t get distracted. [LAUGHING]
We arrange store on the lodge bar, speaking to folks all through the night time. And right here’s what we wished to know. In case you had only a few minutes to win somebody’s affection, how political would you get? And is there something in any respect to be realized about nationwide politics or the temper of the nation from relationship?
- ashley
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I’m Ashley.
- radhia
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I’m Radhia.
- ashley
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And I’m out right here due to her. [LAUGHING]
- astead herndon
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Oh, nicely, she introduced you?
- ashley
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We’re cousins.
- astead herndon
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You’re cousins.
- ashley
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Sure.
- radhia
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No, simply attempting a special technique to meet folks. I imply, we’ve been attempting on relationship web sites, and it hasn’t been working. So we thought, let’s give this a attempt to see perhaps we’ll have higher luck.
- ashley
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The wrestle is actual.
- astead herndon
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Do you care about politics or points or issues like that? Do they arrive up? Does it matter?
- ashley
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You recognize what? I’ll say, if it’s like tremendous excessive. You recognize what I imply? And you’ll’t respect, as an grownup, another person’s opinion. You recognize what I imply? However for those who’re hardcore a method, I can’t —
- astead herndon
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You’re saying it doesn’t matter that somebody agrees with you. It simply actually issues in the event that they disagree with you.
- ashley
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I feel, and this would possibly — I imply, no matter. I feel it’s hardcore disagree for me.
- astead herndon
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That’s what you don’t wish to see. That’s the deal-breaker.
- ashley
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Precisely, sure.
- astead herndon
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Greater than agreeing with all the things.
- ashley
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We are able to disagree. However for those who’re using arduous like that is considered one of your loved ones members, I can’t.
- astead herndon
-
Is that about a person candidate? Are we speaking Donald Trump? Is it about particular person points like abortion or weapons? Is there some issues that matter on the high of that listing?
- ashley
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Issues that I’ve run into on the apps, I don’t learn about this, however normally somebody will journey for a candidate. Proper now it’s Donald Trump. And something he says is gold.
And it’s like, come on. You recognize what I imply? Nothing anybody says is gold.
- astead herndon
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Would it not matter on the alternative aspect. If somebody thought all the things Joe Biden stated was gold, would that be an issue?
- ashley
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I imply, I lean extra in the direction of his social values greater than the opposite aspect, however I can take from each. You recognize what I imply? However to journey arduous proper or left —
- astead herndon
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That will be a purple flag for you, or wouldn’t it be a deal-breaker?
- ashley
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It’s a beige flag.
- astead herndon
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Beige flag, OK.
[BELL RINGING]
- samoya
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So my identify is Samoya. And what introduced me right here is simply I would like to search out love. I simply need somebody suitable.
- astead herndon
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Does politics matter any?
- samoya
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I are not looking for it to come back up. They all the time say, your first date, don’t introduce your ex. Don’t speak about your ex. Don’t speak about something of that harsh —
yeah, we don’t need that proper now.
- astead herndon
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All good. All good vibes.
- samoya
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Very chill, simply to see how the particular person flows with you. I feel that’s what I wish to do.
- astead herndon
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When does it come up then?
- samoya
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It’s going to in all probability circulation out perhaps on the second date and the second and a half.
I used to be really relationship any person initially. He informed me that he supported Trump. And I simply fully simply informed him it gained’t work.
However then I felt like, you realize what? Perhaps I have to — as a result of I’m new on this nation, perhaps I would like to coach myself a bit bit extra. So I really feel like I ought to have stayed round a bit bit simply to listen to his perspective and to do my historical past, do my analysis.
- astead herndon
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Do you remorse slicing it off?
- samoya
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I really feel like I’m sorry I did as a result of there’s all the time room for studying. And it’s best to by no means actually minimize any person off.
[BELL RINGING]
- john
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All proper, I’m John. I’m 41. Single for the final 5 years. Proudly owning a enterprise. And this was an excellent alternative to get out.
- astead herndon
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One query now we have is particularly about division and politics. Are there belongings you attempt to not speak about?
- john
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Yeah, politics.
- astead herndon
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Politics?
- john
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Yeah, yeah, yeah, there’s no actual level in speaking about politics. We’re all simply folks. Our ideas aren’t going to vary something, sadly. So until the federal government was really going to hearken to the folks, there’s no sense in speaking about it. If any person needs you to select a aspect, that’s an excessive amount of — too demanding.
- astead herndon
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You don’t wish to decide a aspect?
- john
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I don’t wish to decide a aspect, no. I simply wish to be myself.
- astead herndon
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If somebody was a robust Democrat or a robust Republican, each of these could be issues that you just steer clear of?
- john
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Yeah, I feel most individuals are someplace in the midst of a bit little bit of each. And everyone’s allowed to have their very own opinions. That’s what makes us such an excellent nation.
Anyone that’s going to cease you or attempt to change your opinion, it’s simply an opinion. I’m not doing what the opposite aspect’s telling me to do. Simply let me be me.
[BELL RINGING]
- astead herndon
-
Time to go in. Thanks a lot.
It was humorous. Our workforce spends a lot time in political settings, at rallies, and marketing campaign occasions, locations the place folks outline themselves by means of widespread political views. However right here, it was solely totally different. Politics wasn’t simply in poor style or a topic to be prevented. It was an entire turnoff.
- karen
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OK, so my identify is Karen. I got here right here with a few girlfriends. They had been like, oh, let’s do that. It’s one thing totally different. It beats being on-line.
- astead herndon
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Are there values or issues that you’d put on the high of your precedence listing when you consider a associate or a match?
- karen
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I undoubtedly have ones that, simply from previous experiences and from my previous relationships, I do know generosity is one thing that I worth. I don’t need somebody who’s attempting to mooch off of me. However I additionally don’t need somebody who’s attempting to take from the world.
I would like somebody who’s giving again and who will assist others give again. And to be trustworthy, I actually don’t wish to pay for issues.
So I do need them to be beneficiant with me, too.
- astead herndon
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Are there beliefs? Are there issues like that? Do you ask about that?
- karen
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So I’m very anti-political. I’m not political in any respect. I’m an enormous believer in everybody’s entitled to their very own beliefs. I’m an enormous believer that they shouldn’t be urgent that on another person.
So I don’t care for those who’re the 2 totally different sides. I simply don’t need you to attempt to push that on me. And I don’t need you to attempt to diminish me for what I imagine in or don’t imagine in.
I don’t watch the information. The one factor I watch is Bravo. Clearly, that’s the one information that individuals needs to be knowledgeable on. It’s simply that’s the stance that I’ve taken, simply seeing what the political world has accomplished to the society that’s meant to be united.
[BELL RINGING]
- astead herndon
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What’s your technique while you go into these sort of issues? What are you searching for?
- speaker 1
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Properly, relying on how I really feel, I assume first impressions, you wish to have an excellent first impression. However on the identical time, you don’t wish to put your self on the market as a generic candidate of like, oh, I’m detached to issues. So perhaps not being overtly direct about your political ideologies, at the very least on the very starting.
Let’s say you don’t wish to come off as somebody that’s solely like — in a approach that’s like, oh, you’re solely a political activist for one aspect or the opposite. I don’t know how one can — I don’t know if that’s one of the simplest ways to place it. I imply, I simply form of waft. So if it comes up, it comes up. However I wouldn’t convey it up apropos of nothing, as a result of that simply makes it seem to be you’re an extremist, like that is all you wish to speak about.
- astead herndon
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Does it come up, traditionally, as you’ve been on the market? Or is it simple to keep away from?
- speaker 1
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I feel it’s in all probability simple to keep away from. I don’t suppose most individuals are as excessive as we get an concept of on social media and stuff since you simply get the loudest voices on social media. I feel lots of people are a bit hesitant to convey stuff up in the event that they suppose it’s going to be a bit risque.
- astead herndon
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I assume it appears simple to keep away from. It looks like you’re having to have — at the very least for that preliminary first one, be sure to’re sticking on a extra basic foundation.
- speaker 1
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Yeah, I imply, I’m not right here to make statements about my political opinions or something like that. I’m simply right here to satisfy somebody.
- astead herndon
-
Yep. [BELL RINGING]
What introduced you out right here immediately?
- speaker 2
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My good friend right here. My good friend right here invited me.
- speaker3
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Simply an expertise. Only a good friend expertise tonight.
- astead herndon
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Yeah, do you ask about extra severe or heavier subjects? Do you count on to be requested about it?
- speaker 2
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Completely not. I don’t count on to be requested about it as a result of my questions don’t actually give off don’t ask me if I’m a liberal. I really feel prefer it’s very pure conversations.
It’s very awkward to — lots of people are getting out of their shell. That is their first time. I don’t suppose to ask about their political values or something like that.
- astead herndon
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So there are issues that they search for that will be deal-breakers for them politically. Do you’ve these sort of issues?
- speaker 2
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I imply, sure and no, inside motive. How loopy are you? How radical are you, I ought to say? As a result of for those who’re radical, then I’m like, oh, nicely, no, no, no, no. I don’t take into consideration politics day-after-day.
So it actually simply relies upon. Fairly doesn’t rule my life. I do different issues.
- astead herndon
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The unhealthy signal could be if it takes up loads of your life. That will be scary.
- speaker 2
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Yeah, I feel there’s a wholesome floor right here while you speak about issues that — as a result of I don’t suppose — for those who reside and breathe politics, then it should be your job. And if it’s not your job, you then’re loopy captivated with one thing that doesn’t go inside your day after day. And if I’m part of your day after day, that’s nice that you just match that in there.
It doesn’t actually correlate with my life. But when that’s your values, that’s fantastic. They’re not for me in the event that they’re actually, actually intense about it. However I don’t —
- astead herndon
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Is that how you’re feeling is, like, that —
- speaker 3
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Yeah, I’m form of the identical approach the place it’s like, clearly, if there’s one thing that we fully disagree on, that’s an enormous flag.
- astead herndon
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What about particular points once we take into consideration gun rights or abortion rights or something like that? Is there points that matter simply as a lot? Or is it simply — is it like —
- speaker 3
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There are undoubtedly particular points like girls’s rights, clearly.
- astead herndon
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Yeah, I used to be going to say, are you able to inform me what a deal-breaker is?
- speaker 3
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Similar to relationship as a minority, if somebody comes off a bit racist, I’m going to say no.
I feel equality issues simply in all situations. So, yeah, so long as somebody’s aligned on that affiliation, then —
- astead herndon
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So long as they’re aligned on these large issues, then you’ll work out the smaller issues.
- speaker 3
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Yeah.
- astead herndon
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Properly, thanks. I actually admire y’all’s time.
- speaker 3
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Oh, yeah.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Nearly each single particular person we talked to stated a model of the identical factor. In the case of politics and relationship, they weren’t involved about discovering a associate with an equivalent viewpoint, however avoiding people who got here off as too inflexible of their pondering be it proper or left. In actual fact, the one computerized deal-breaker, at the very least to this crowd, was somebody being too into politics.
[BELL RINGING]
- speaker 4
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Women and gents, can I’ve your consideration, please? We’re going to take a five-minute break. We’ll reconvene after 5 minutes. OK, five-minute break.
Hey, it’s Anna once more. And we’re going to take a bit break, too. Then I’ll be again with Astead to debrief his expertise on the mixer.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
OK, so, Astead, popping out of that mixer, I’ve to ask you, would you ever attempt to meet somebody that approach? Or is it simply the apps any longer?
I imply, I really — I really feel like pace relationship usually actually gained me over. I discovered it actually healthful and form of endearing to attempt to meet somebody in actual life, to place your self on the market.
I undoubtedly am somebody who believes that relationship through apps has turn into gamified and a bit gambly. And I undoubtedly suppose that the apps are a self-selecting group of people who find themselves most keen to guage for a political opinion. And so there was a approach that the pace relationship actually made me really feel like, oh, this can be a sort of particular person that’s extra centered on constructing a relationship. Everybody there was severe about it.
I like that. I imply, in contrast to the apps with their filters and no matter, this mixer was a room filled with strangers attempting to make a real reference to different strangers. Yeah, it’s actually candy.
OK, so at that mixer, you met folks searching for love who didn’t wish to convey up politics too quickly, and likewise didn’t wish to date somebody who was too obsessive about politics. However some folks did acknowledge that variations in politics or values would come up in the event that they made it previous the primary date, proper?
Completely, we talked to at least one man particularly who was telling us that his Christian religion is de facto vital to him personally. And so he was actually weighing when and how one can reveal that, as a result of he worries about the kind of assumptions that individuals make with regard to somebody being non secular.
Yeah, let’s hear from that man.
- speaker 5
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I feel what finally ends up taking place, lots of people begin making it very political. After which I simply don’t wish to go down that.
- astead herndon
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What do you imply?
- speaker 5
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Like sometimes, for those who’re a Christian, then it’s like, oh, you’re a Republican, otherwise you’re conservative in very particular areas just like the abortion or the gun rights and all the things like that. After which that’s the place it’s similar to — I don’t need these preconceived notions. I don’t need that to be how we’re speaking to one another. And I would like it to be a bit bit extra relaxed, and need them to really feel snug that approach.
- elisa gutierrez
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I imply, particularly, what are the preconceptions folks have that you just suppose — would say you don’t agree with?
[BELL RINGING]
- speaker 5
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I’m pro-life it doesn’t matter what.
- astead herndon
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That’s the conception folks have?
- speaker 5
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Yeah, as a result of I’m a Christian, yeah.
- astead herndon
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Can I ask, are you?
- speaker 5
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I’m extra pro-choice, to be trustworthy.
- astead herndon
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Do you say that on dates? Does that come up?
- speaker 5
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I don’t point out that ever on a date, yeah.
That’s not one thing —
- astead herndon
-
You bought to go. Thanks a lot for speaking to us.
So this man’s religion is so vital to him. However he’s conflicted about when to convey it up on a date due to the political baggage hooked up to it. You touched on this a bit, nevertheless it strikes me that individuals like him are simply very totally different from who we usually hear from in your present “The Run-Up.” Once you’re speaking to folks at rallies and marketing campaign occasions, these persons are exhibiting up with their political identities entrance and middle, proper?
Extra usually, yeah. I imply, loads of the kind of occasions that we go to which might be on the marketing campaign path are full of individuals whose political identification is their very own, and who actually gravitate to individuals who share and replicate that. However that’s not who decides elections. The bulk of people that vote, who reside on this nation sound quite a bit like these daters.
They don’t have politics within the forefront of their minds. They’re not fascinated by these items day after day. And for some folks, they don’t suppose politics is a core figuring out issue of who somebody is. And so I feel it’s vital for us to verify we’re discovering people who find themselves doing that very same stage of wrestling just like the man that we’re listening to, as a result of that’s the kind of approach that most individuals work together with this of their lives. Individuals wish to be seen outdoors of only one defining issue.
I imply, once I hear that man, I feel it’s tremendous relatable to be like, I would like somebody to get to know all of me, not only one piece.
Yeah, and, I imply, I stated this to him, my father’s a pastor. And I’ve been on a date once I’ve been like, oh, that is what my dad and mom do. Or it’s an enormous a part of tales of the way you grew up. However while you reveal these issues, I can really feel the assumptions taking place.
Nearly all the time it’s like, nicely, what do you imagine? Are you non secular now? I completely understood the place he was coming from as a result of I’ve had that have earlier than.
Once I take into consideration the scene at pace relationship, I take into consideration a few of the reporting that our colleague has accomplished, Jessica Grose who writes about relationship and relationships on the opinion part. And he or she has this phrase that thirst conquers all. And I feel that —
Thirst conquers all.
Yeah, thirst conquers all. And I really feel like that was actually on my thoughts. For lots of people, the need for companionship and connection is such the place they may put a few of these guidelines to the aspect if somebody has different qualities that they suppose would possibly matter extra. So respect and connection and assist and all of these issues can come forward of whether or not we agree on this large factor proper or whether or not we vote for a similar particular person. I feel relationship is a kind of areas that exposes that, for lots of people, these guidelines are much more squishy.
Completely, I used to be going to say we would assume that politics is all purple versus blue. However persons are a lot extra difficult than that with regards to their private lives, to their relationship lives, the folks they wish to fall in love with.
Our political system doesn’t acknowledge nuance and distinction. It forces folks into binary selections and into corners that aren’t reflective of their very own beliefs, proper? One factor I like about fascinated by love and relationship and the work that you just all do, is that there’s extra nuance in particular person folks than there’s in who you vote for.
Completely, I stated this at the start of our dialog that your beat is politics, and my beat is love. However listening to your reporting on the complexities of the relationship world, I’m beginning to suppose that perhaps our beats should not as far aside as I assumed.
No, I don’t suppose they’re.
Astead, thanks. I had a lot enjoyable immediately. Thanks for approaching the present.
Thanks. I did, too. I admire you having me.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
OK, buckle up, double credit. Right here’s Astead.
“The Run-Up” is reported by me Astead Herndon, and produced by Elisa Gutierrez, Caitlin O’Keefe, and Anna Foley. It’s edited by Rachel Dry, Lisa Tobin, and Frannie Carr Toth.
“A Fashionable Love” is produced by Julia Botero, Christina Djossa, Emily Lang, and Reva Goldberg. It’s edited by Jen Poyant and Paula Szuchman. Our govt producer is Jen Poyant.
This episode was blended by Daniel Ramirez. Our present is recorded by Maddy Masiello. The “Fashionable Love” theme music is by Dan Powell. Digital manufacturing by Mahima Chablani and Nell Gallogly.
The “Fashionable Love” column is edited by Daniel Jones. Miya Lee is the editor of “Fashionable Love” initiatives. I’m Anna Martin. Thanks for listening.
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